I am exhausted and anxious. I’m mentally and emotionally drained which always ensues a sort of numbness in me. This season of my life hurts more and more every day. I can’t say that I feel a lot of good has come from the immediate actions, but my hope, and what I know to be true, is that God is breaking me down and rebuilding me in his image.
The need for an intimacy with God is starting to become overwhelming, and I know what I must do in order to meet that need. It’s not going to be easy, but the season of a “social siesta” is upon me. I’m starting to think that it’s a good idea to break away from my normal routines, and dive into something major and necessary with Him. I’m experiencing so many emotions during this time, and I don’t feel like it’s fair to drag anyone else into it with me. I can’t be productive to anyone else if I don’t know who I am, or what I want. Something that makes this a little more difficult for me is that I am caught in between age groups. I have friends who I graduated high school with who are more fun that I know how to handle, and I have friends who are a great deal older than I am and more established and mature than I can be right now. I don’t necessarily have a place with anyone. A part of me wishes that I could just be a “normal” 20 year old, and not deal with the necessity of God. However, I realize that God’s plan for my life is not that of anyone else’s, younger or older. It’s difficult to see my friends being so care free when I’m constantly monitoring myself as to not offend God’s name, because I’m still failing. I don’t have a grip on this at all.
There is so much that I am learning about myself, and so much more to be revealed. I struggle with who I am, and who I’ve always been. Isaiah 55:8 (HCSB) says, “My thoughts are not your thoughts and your ways are not My ways”. All of the characteristics I possess that are not of Christ will be made known in God’s time and acknowledged with a repentance brought on by Him. I’ve realized that people don’t change themselves, but God changes people. In Ezekiel 36:25-27 the Lord says, “I will also sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I will place My Spirit within you and cause you to follow My statutes and carefully observe My ordinances.” The proclamation that God gives to us to change our hearts and to make us new is my hope during this journey. God’s word is my hope. “so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do.” Isaiah 55:11.
My prayer is that I would be vulnerable to God during the next couple of months and that I would fully submit to the changes that He will undoubtedly demand of me. The destination is very much worth the journey.
Thanks for reading….Lots of Love Forever, Jasmine.
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