Who's that girl?!

The other day I was asked if I was happier in December of 2010 than I am in January of 2012….the answer would determine how my 2011 was. So, I had to stop and think about it…what was I doing in December of 2010? I had some pretty great friends, and I was diving deeper than ever before into the word of God. Seems like a pretty fantastic start to a year.

The person I was that December isn’t who I am now. She was a girl who was constantly searching for an identity and trying to be the best person she could be for the peers that surrounded her. She lacked the confidence to be comfortable in her own character. She lacked the confidence to seek Christ on her own, and thus found Him through the identity of others.  Finding Jesus in others isn’t a bad thing necessarily. After all, as Christians, our goal is to live as Christ and have His spirit dwell within us. But the problem with finding Him THROUGH someone is that you began to worship and adore that someone and not the Creator of that someone. You become obsessed with the ideas of your peers and live vicariously through them. There were times when I felt inferior to my peers, and I felt that I wasn’t “good enough.”  I didn’t have the courage to seek out my God like He was so diligently seeking me.  I lacked the ability to think for myself and just agreed with everyone around me.

As my 2011 continued onward, man’s failing nature became more and more evident. Friendships were broken, feelings were hurt, and my spirit was sad. My friends weren't equipped to handle all the pressures of affection and adoration that is meant solely for God. I went through a period where I was socially vacant from my friends and retreated back to a lifestyle that was comfortable to me; one that wasn’t solely centered on my Heavenly Father. It was a very lazy sort of a routine: church on Sundays, youth on Sunday nights, prayer before bed, and I’m done until next week. I alienated myself from peers that encouraged my spiritual growth. I had burned bridges and walked away from a whole world that I was so eager to be a part of.  While taking this “Spiritual Hiatus,” my conscience constantly reminded me of my true calling. My relationship with God was more than I was giving it credit for. I was reminded often of His faithfulness to me and the many blessings that He had so graciously given. When those thoughts would enter my mind, I would quickly think of something else, trying to forget Him. It felt like I was trying to hide from Him, but there was no way that I could.

With my 2011 coming to an end, I realized how much I was missing out of my relationship with God. I had learned to safe-guard the moments of faithfulness that God had shown me, and evidence of His love surrounded me. Friendships were mended, and spirits were calm. I re-entered the world I once knew, but on my terms and as a person who had learned that she didn't have to meet a standard to have a relationship with God on her own. I didn’t need to change anything about me, because reality is that I can't What needs to be changed will be changed on God’s time; not mine and surely not anyone else’s. I learned that the flaws I have were given to me so that when my flaws are removed, I can see firsthand how God is changing me to be the image of His son and give Him all the praise and glory that is due. God had sought me out to be His and there was nothing and no one that could break that.

I don’t regret my year, but it definitely possessed a great deal of heartache. I wouldn’t consider it the best, but I am grate that it produced a much more intelligent and confident woman of God who isn’t afraid to be herself. One who has let go of the drama, and the negativity and is ready to embark on an odyssey filled with adventures of the God who loves her just the way she is.

Discipline is Necessary

This may come as a shock to many of you, but…I have a tendency to be a little selfish. (Insert sarcastic joke here)

I’m not selfish, as in I’m not willing to share my things, but I’m selfish in the sense that I like to be the center of attention…a lot. I love to be the girl talked about, and I enjoy when people complement me on basically anything. I find it super entertaining to be the “butt of jokes” because, well…it’s about me. I can very much be the “any publicity is good publicity” kind of person.  Words of affirmation is DEFINITELY my Love Language.

But there is an inward battle that occurs from being selfish. While I have many people devote their attention to me, when I don’t have that attention…my self esteem and my identity crash. To put it simply, I hate not having attention. It frustrates me and sometimes sends me into a nervous panic even. Sounds dramatic, but ask my friends…they know it’s true.

The fact that I "like attention" has led me to be involved in a lot of “filler” relationships that weren’t beneficial to me. I was friends with people who took advantage of me, or people who caused me to doubt myself in ways that I wouldn’t have before. Other relationships weren’t as bad as others, but they were grounded on faulty foundations and a break ensued.

Since March I’ve felt a great calling from God to spend some time truly digging deep to find out who I am in Him. Naturally, I’ve stalled. I’ve filled my life with appointments, schedules, meaningless activities, all in hopes that I would avoid the search for Him and my identity in Him. I’ve been too afraid to trust that He is enough and that I truly don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I’ve been too afraid of discovering all my dirt and having to deal with my sinful nature. It's really tough to step outside yourself and count all the ways that you need to grow, all the things you need to learn and deal with the person you've become because of sin. It's not fun to evaluate yourself to discover that you're not who you want to be. However, it's necessary. And although the mere fact that God has chosen to make me in His image is AMAZING to me, this journey requires much discipline. In Hebrews 12, we are given an interesting and hopeful perspective of discipline.

"Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline-which all receive-then you are illegitimate children and nots sons. Furthermore, we had natural fathers discipline us, and we respected them. Shouldn't we submit even more to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time based on what seemed good to them, but He does it for our benefit, so that we can share His holiness. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:7-11

I remember times when I was being disciplined by my own father he would always tell me, "I'm not punishing you to be mean. I'm punishing you because I love you." I think often times we forget that love isn't always fairy tales. It's hard stuff too.

Walking with Christ is a long, glorious journey that we are often afraid to begin, but we are helpless to resist the call. I am confident that the works that have begun in me will be completed. I am confident that my God does all things for my good and my benefit. He is my King, my Prize, my Refuge and Strength. I will delight to do His will.

Worship Wednesday- Thinking His Thoughts...by Rica Cobb

(Last week my dear friend, Rica Cobb, sent me a blog that she had written about me. I think it sends out a really great message about Thinking His Thoughts, and I'm proud to share it!)

Last weekend as we prepared for a day at the lake, one of my friends decided to commit to the task of preparing a variety of desserts to bring.  Enjoying baking myself, I was asked to come over and bring my tools, but I received strict instructions to “let her do it.”  When the cupcakes were iced, the cheesecake was in the fridge, and the mango loaves were cooling on a rack, she jokingly announced, “I’m so happy that I did this without you, because now when everyone sees how wonderful it is, I can tell them that I did it all myself.”  We laughed about her “humility” and then enjoyed the treats the next day at the lake.
 

This morning as I spend time in God’s Word, my friend’s actions help me to understand our Lord even better.  Numerous times in Scripture we are referred to as a planting, a tree, or a branch, always as something that produces life when firmly rooted to a Source.  In Isaiah 60:21, God calls His people “a branch that I planted, the work of My hands, so that I may be glorified.”

Just as my friend completed her task without me and received all the credit, God also does what He does in my life without my assistance or input and I, in turn, must give Him all the glory.

With all of this in mind, I would do well to remember the words of Jesus in John 15 when He calls me to remain in Him so that I produce much fruit, and to also remember that none of this fruit grows apart from Him.  This is not from me; I don’t get the credit.  (Eph. 2:9)

We are something He did Himself for the sole purpose of bringing Him glory, and He will not give that glory to another (Isa. 42:8).

The Destination is Worth the Journey

I am exhausted and anxious. I’m mentally and emotionally drained which always ensues a sort of numbness in me. This season of my life hurts more and more every day. I can’t say that I feel a lot of good has come from the immediate actions, but my hope, and what I know to be true, is that God is breaking me down and rebuilding me in his image. 

The need for an intimacy with God is starting to become overwhelming, and I know what I must do in order to meet that need. It’s not going to be easy, but the season of a “social siesta” is upon me. I’m starting to think that it’s a good idea to break away from my normal routines, and dive into something major and necessary with Him. I’m experiencing so many emotions during this time, and I don’t feel like it’s fair to drag anyone else into it with me. I can’t be productive to anyone else if I don’t know who I am, or what I want. Something that makes this a little more difficult for me is that I am caught in between age groups. I have friends who I graduated high school with who are more fun that I know how to handle, and I have friends who are a great deal older than I am and more established and mature than I can be right now. I don’t necessarily have a place with anyone. A part of me wishes that I could just be a “normal” 20 year old, and not deal with the necessity of God. However, I realize that God’s plan for my life is not that of anyone else’s, younger or older. It’s difficult to see my friends being so care free when I’m constantly monitoring myself as to not offend God’s name, because I’m still failing. I don’t have a grip on this at all.

There is so much that I am learning about myself, and so much more to be revealed. I struggle with who I am, and who I’ve always been. Isaiah 55:8 (HCSB) says, “My thoughts are not your thoughts and your ways are not My ways”. All of the characteristics I possess that are not of Christ will be made known in God’s time and acknowledged  with a repentance brought on by Him. I’ve realized that people don’t change themselves, but God changes people. In Ezekiel 36:25-27 the Lord says, “I will also sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I will place My Spirit within you and cause you to follow My statutes and carefully observe My ordinances.”  The proclamation that God gives to us to change our hearts and to make us new is my hope during this journey. God’s word is my hope. “so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do.” Isaiah 55:11.

My prayer is that I would be vulnerable to God during the next couple of months and that I would fully submit to the changes that He will undoubtedly demand of me. The destination is very much worth the journey.

Thanks for reading….Lots of Love Forever, Jasmine.

Worship Wednesday - First Wednesday!

Every first Wednesday of the month, my church hosts what we call (wait for it) First Wednesday! It's a time that we gather together and praise and worship God through song, prayer and by taking communion. It's always a very special time for me, and I'm greatly appreciative of the opportunity to worship so freely! This song, by Elevation Church, has been such a blessing to me the past couple of months. I recently visted this church and was amazed! I'm thankful that God is allowing churches to do such great things, and reach out to other parts of the county! I hope you like it!

Thanks for reading....lots of Love forever- Jasmine

Because that's what best friends do... Friends Friday!

(I truly have the world’s best friends. I thank God for each and every one of them…whether past or present. Fridays will be Friend Fridays on my blog, a day where I can introduce you to the special people in my life. Today’s post is dedicated to the most wonderful 3^rd grade girl I know, Olivia Doyle. Enjoy! )

Upon meeting someone, I’m generally not a shy person. I might not be as loud as I would normally be, but that’s because I would scare everyone away. But I haven’t always been this way. In fact, when I first moved to Dalton, I was actually pretty shy. However, by the time I was in 3^rd grade, that all changed. One bright eyed little girl would change my personality forever. Her name? Olivia Doyle.

I moved to Dalton in January of my first grade year. Being the new kid is hard enough but being the new kid in the middle of the year is a little bit more difficult. I didn’t have many friends in first grade, but luckily I was welcomed with open arms in the second grade. There were two specific girls in my class that I was determined to be friends with. One was Carter Patterson, and the other was Olivia Doyle. Sure there were other girls in the class, but I picked them. Carter (who will undoubtedly have her own blog in the future) was easy to be friends with. She was quiet and hardly said a word. So, because she didn’t talk, she couldn’t be mean. I liked her. But Olivia…she was different. She was the most self-assured 2nd grader I’ve ever known. She was sassy and determined. She wasn’t afraid to tell you what she wanted, and she knew how to get her way; truly a girl after my own heart. As the year went on, she and I had our issues (she didn’t always want to play with me or let me be in her club at recess. Oh! And there was the time she and another girl got BFF necklaces WITHOUT me…yea, I remember) but by the end of the year, we were pretty good friends. The next year was tragic though. Olivia and I weren’t going to be in the same classroom! I was pretty sad, but it was this year that she and I actually became the closest. We would play together at recess, and this is the year that I got to go to her house and spend the night! We had such big fun!  I remember eating cookie dough, and making “fruit smoothies” for her big sisters while eating shrimp cocktail. We played her Nintendo 64 and danced on her pool table and played dress-up. Just for the record, she had the best house ever. An amazing game room, a ballet room and two teenage sisters rooms who weren’t ever home …what’s better than that!? Olivia and I had the best times. She was great and I loved her. In 5^th grade, I moved to a different school. Olivia and I didn’t get to be as close as we were in 3^rd and 4^th grade, but we took dance together and I could see her then.

The summer before our 6^th grade year, Olivia was in a horrible Jet Ski accident and died. I remember the day I found out more vividly than I remember a lot of things. It was late June, and I had been at home on a rainy day. I was cleaning out my backpack from school and I found a note from Hannah, a friend of mine, that I had saved from 4th grade. I started to miss my old friends, so I decided to call some of them. As I ended my message on Hannah’s phone, I started to call Olivia. It was great to call her because she had her own line and I thought that was wicked sweet. However, all of a sudden the urge to call her went away and I didn’t do it. I don’t know why, but I just thought “She probably won’t be at home” so I left it alone. About 20 or 30 minutes after I called Hannah, she returned my call. She asked me if I knew what had happened, and I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. She then told me that Olivia had died. Obviously, I didn’t believe her, but then she started crying and reading an article from the newspaper about her death. I was devastated. I didn’t understand. I was confused. I had no words. I didn’t know what to do…it was sheer craziness. The very next day was her funeral, and I attended with my parents. I remember watching the casket come down the aisle and asking God why He took her and not me.  After the funeral, we went to the burial ceremony. I pulled my dad to the side during the middle and asked him if we could leave. It was painful to be there and I just couldn’t stay any longer.  I remember my dad hugging me tightly as I cried on the way back to the car. I remember looking back a couple of times, but that was it. She was gone.

Something I’ve always struggled with is being mad at God, but this is one of few instances where it is safe to say that I was very mad at him. I watched her family cry and hold each other and I was so mad that they had to deal with all those emotions. I so desperately wished I could have taken her place so that she would still be alive. I was sure that at some point I would wake up, and the bad dream would be over and she would still be here. But that wasn’t the case. I was here, on earth and Olivia was not.

It’s been 9 years since Olivia died, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t remember her or think of her. I smile thinking of her and have very  good memories. I don’t visit her grave as much as I would like, but when I’m there it’s always a very peaceful and calm experience. I went on to middle school and befriended the girl who is still my best friend today. And although I’ve had plenty of friends over the years, I’ve never forgotten, nor will I ever forget that beautiful girl that sparked a change in me that would last forever.

Worship Wednesday- A Broken Heart

(Jesus is my King. This blog will be focused largely on my relationship with Him, but I am specifically devoting my Wednesday to praise Him! I hope you enjoy!!)


My heart is broken. Not a broken heart from a boy, but a broken heart from a man. Jesus Christ. In Psalm 51, David writes "The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart". More and more, I am discovering my brokeness over my sin. Not only  to what I would refer to as "surface sins": drinking excessively, smoking, sex, etc. but the sins that are within me. Specifically; truly recognizing, and acknowledging, the intentions of my heart.

In high school, I was a mean girl. Like, Regina George/Rachel McAdams/Lindsay Lohan kinda Mean Girl. I would be rude to people just because "I could". I would say hurtful and mean things because it was "true". I would sometimes even go out of my way to belittle someone, or "put them in their place". Unfortunately, there are too many instances to name, but as I look back at it, I realize how truly evil I was. There are so many people that I owe some sort of an apology too. However, I can't change the past. I can only repent of my behavior and put my hope in Christ that He will change my heart. It is a daily struggle to monitor my behavior. I've always been known as a loud, outspoken person and those are qualities I like about myself. But being loud and outspoken doesn't give me the right to hurt others. Still, I have to be very careful to not be too comfortable with friends or family as not to fall back into my old habits. Changing who you are is a very large task and it's simply not easy. I've come along way, but I still fail, and thus...my heart is constantly broken.

The perspective I have is this: God saved me, and has given me the desire to BE and LIVE as Christ did. This requires much time, patience, and transformation. In Phillipians 1:6, Paul declares "I am sure of this, that He who has started a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ". Instead of being down on myself in pity dwelling on all of my sin, I am able to look to Jesus and praise Him for working so diligently in me! Who am I that He would even care this much to work so hard to make me like Him? I am dirty and unclean and unworthy to be recognized by such a great God. I deserve nothing from him and yet, through His love and grace, I am abundantly blessed.

God's love is truly unlike any other. His love saved me and killed His only son so that I may live. His love wakes me up daily, and allows me to freely worship Him. His love enables me to love others. His love disciplines me and makes me deal with my sin. It causes my heart to break. He makes me more and more like His son everyday. This type of love is something that we will never know from man. This love is the type of love we will only every know if we are in Christ, and Christ is in us. My hope is that everyone would be able to experience the greatness that is in Jesus.

Thanks for reading. Lots of Love Forever....Jasmine