The other day I was asked if I was happier in December of 2010 than I am in January of 2012….the answer would determine how my 2011 was. So, I had to stop and think about it…what was I doing in December of 2010? I had some pretty great friends, and I was diving deeper than ever before into the word of God. Seems like a pretty fantastic start to a year.
The person I was that December isn’t who I am now. She was a girl who was constantly searching for an identity and trying to be the best person she could be for the peers that surrounded her. She lacked the confidence to be comfortable in her own character. She lacked the confidence to seek Christ on her own, and thus found Him through the identity of others. Finding Jesus in others isn’t a bad thing necessarily. After all, as Christians, our goal is to live as Christ and have His spirit dwell within us. But the problem with finding Him THROUGH someone is that you began to worship and adore that someone and not the Creator of that someone. You become obsessed with the ideas of your peers and live vicariously through them. There were times when I felt inferior to my peers, and I felt that I wasn’t “good enough.” I didn’t have the courage to seek out my God like He was so diligently seeking me. I lacked the ability to think for myself and just agreed with everyone around me.
As my 2011 continued onward, man’s failing nature became more and more evident. Friendships were broken, feelings were hurt, and my spirit was sad. My friends weren't equipped to handle all the pressures of affection and adoration that is meant solely for God. I went through a period where I was socially vacant from my friends and retreated back to a lifestyle that was comfortable to me; one that wasn’t solely centered on my Heavenly Father. It was a very lazy sort of a routine: church on Sundays, youth on Sunday nights, prayer before bed, and I’m done until next week. I alienated myself from peers that encouraged my spiritual growth. I had burned bridges and walked away from a whole world that I was so eager to be a part of. While taking this “Spiritual Hiatus,” my conscience constantly reminded me of my true calling. My relationship with God was more than I was giving it credit for. I was reminded often of His faithfulness to me and the many blessings that He had so graciously given. When those thoughts would enter my mind, I would quickly think of something else, trying to forget Him. It felt like I was trying to hide from Him, but there was no way that I could.
With my 2011 coming to an end, I realized how much I was missing out of my relationship with God. I had learned to safe-guard the moments of faithfulness that God had shown me, and evidence of His love surrounded me. Friendships were mended, and spirits were calm. I re-entered the world I once knew, but on my terms and as a person who had learned that she didn't have to meet a standard to have a relationship with God on her own. I didn’t need to change anything about me, because reality is that I can't What needs to be changed will be changed on God’s time; not mine and surely not anyone else’s. I learned that the flaws I have were given to me so that when my flaws are removed, I can see firsthand how God is changing me to be the image of His son and give Him all the praise and glory that is due. God had sought me out to be His and there was nothing and no one that could break that.
I don’t regret my year, but it definitely possessed a great deal of heartache. I wouldn’t consider it the best, but I am grate that it produced a much more intelligent and confident woman of God who isn’t afraid to be herself. One who has let go of the drama, and the negativity and is ready to embark on an odyssey filled with adventures of the God who loves her just the way she is.
